My first divorce was an epic, prolonged Mr. and Mrs. Smith-style battle. We both went for the kill.
We fought over the four kids, the house, the money. If we’d have had a dog, we would’ve fought over it too. The costly battle eventually ended our 12-year marriage with agreements about joint custody and handoffs taking place in public.
At the time, our anger and hatred of each other superseded our children’s need for peace and stability. They spent the rest of their childhood with parents lined up on opposite sides of a Red Rover, Red Rover game, running back and forth trying to break through the chaos. I wish I had known then what I know now.
Life went on and relationships evolved
The one bright spot in this difficult time after the end of our marriage was the birth of a new child, my kids’ half-sister. She was the daughter of my ex-husband and his new wife. It did not matter that she was not biologically related, she was loved by my entire family, myself included.
Some people always show up for you
My paternal grandmother died 16 years after my first divorce and I was surprised that my ex-husband drove 15 hours to pay his respects at her funeral.
Sitting around the breakfast nook in the Kansas hotel with the entire extended family, I found myself face to face with him for the first time in years. Our conversation was brief but healing and I’m grateful for his presence that day. We found forgiveness that day and left the past in the past. It was the beginning of a new friendship, not just with him but with his new wife as well. I didn’t know it at the time, but she would eventually become one of my best friends.
My second marriage also ended, but important relationships endured
By 2023 I was remarried and living a few states away from my hometown when I found that union coming to an end as well. While my second husband and I hadn’t had any biological children, we’d been together 23 years. He was a big part of my kids’ lives and he also had grandchildren from his two children from a previous marriage that weren’t classified as step-grandkids in my mind. To them, I was just Gigi, and I was afraid the divorce would change that.
My stepson and daughter-in-law, parents of four of the grandkids I was very close to, assured me that I would always be their grandmother and continued to invite me to school events.
My ex’s extended family, including his nieces and great-nieces, never even considered severing ties. They are still as much my family as they ever were.
I have people in my corner
It also didn’t hurt that this divorce took place after the Gwyneth Paltrow-Chris Martin “conscious uncoupling” era. This time around, I even filed the paperwork myself, keeping open communication a priority for us both. It was a lesson learned in hindsight. We have remained friends, perhaps only becoming friends after the divorce. It’s funny how everyday life can turn lovers into enemies, but I’ve learned you can find your way back to common ground.
There is no third time’s the charm for me. While I’m a hopeless romantic, I’d been married since I was 19 and am finally enjoying the life I’d always imagined all on my own. But there’s one bonus — I now have family members in my corner from two other families as well.
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