In 2011 my dad moved in with my family of four. Now, 14 years later at 82, he’s still here and thriving.
No one prepares you for what it really is like to be part of the sandwich generation. Raising kids and taking care of a parent at the same time isn’t for the faint of heart.
I always knew my dad would end up living with me even if he didn’t think life would play out that way, so I planned for it. The big challenge was when the time came he was moving from another state to a place he had no friends or familiarity with the local area. We were his life-line. And we’re lucky it worked out.
The early days were easy
At 68, my father’s longtime partner died. He didn’t have a substantial amount of money saved up for his retirement, so he moved in with me, my spouse, and our two young kids.
For the first few years, my dad was able to drive himself to his activities and to the grocery store. He mostly did his own thing. We would have dinners together and our friends and neighbors became his, too. Everyone loves Grampy, as he is lovingly addressed. With most of our family members scattered across the country, it was great to have a grandparent with us to watch our kids grow up.
We were also fortunate enough to have an in-law unit in our home, so we all had our own space. That’s an important piece of making living together work. Space.
We’ve had a few health things happen along the way, including a skin cancer scare, which we resolved. But we couldn’t fix the macular degeneration affecting his eyesight, which caused him to stop driving and give up the car keys at 77.
That’s when things changed and my role shifted
The hardest part has been managing my dad’s pride and loss of independence. I’ve learned that even while your body may be aging, your mind still thinks you’re younger than you are. And I would agree, at 53, I definitely feel much younger most days. Not being able to do what you want to do or drive where you want to go when you want to is a huge change. Relying on others is definitely a hit to one’s ego.
As his eyesight worsened, I began managing his medicines, driving him to activities and doctors appointments, as well as helping with grocery runs. My role is not as a parent, nor as a traditional care-giver, but to me, it feels like it is more than a daughter.
I now have a different idea of what I want my retirement to look like
Fortunately, my dad is healthy and can handle all of the daily activities of living, except for driving. Over the last 14 years, I’ve learned a lot about how I want to age and move into my eventual retirement. With two college-aged children, I still have time to plan for what the future holds and want to be around for a long time.
While the monetary part of retirement is important, what’s even more critical is being of sound mind and body for as long as possible, which means I’m focusing on taking care of myself now.
Multigenerational living has taught me about health, love, resilience, and what it really means to feel secure with each year that passes. We’ve given that security to my dad and I am grateful for the time, the stories, the laughs, the ups, and the downs. I wouldn’t trade the time for the world. After all, that’s what life is about. Family. We all live. We all age. And I’m going to take all my knowledge into the next few decades to do so gracefully.
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