- My dad is 85 and still lives alone.
- He’s started to have some cognitive changes and memory loss.
- My sisters and I are navigating how to help without taking away too much of his independence.
My dad has begun to change. It started small — trouble remembering a name, misplaced keys. These little slips could be easily overlooked or explained away. Then it began to get worse — forgetting to pay a bill, leaving the back door open all night.
Physically healthy, fiercely independent, and still living alone at 85, my dad is part of a growing trend of older Americans remaining in their homes, often living alone. According to the most recent Census data, 24% of men and 43% of women over the age of 75 live alone.
But what happens to these people who may still be physically capable of independent living when cognitive issues arise? For most, that hinges on the severity of the mental changes.
We don’t want to take over too much
In my dad’s case, the mental slips he experiences aren’t severe enough to warrant a dementia or Alzheimer’s diagnosis. But his symptoms do line up with mild cognitive impairment, which the National Institute on Aging characterizes by memory or thinking problems such as losing items, forgetting appointments, and having trouble remembering words or names.
Though my dad’s cognitive issues are clinically “mild,” they still feel scary and concerning for my sisters and me. We know he is still capable of taking care of himself, but we still worry that his forgetfulness could put him in danger or lead to problems such as losing power because he forgot to pay the bill.
And while our first instinct is to step in and take over things, my sisters and I also know that asserting too much control over our dad’s life would threaten his independence and potentially cause more harm than good. So we’ve learned to strike a balance between letting him live his life while also being involved enough to ensure that he’s safe and secure, both physically and financially.
Here’s what we’re doing to help
One of the most helpful things we’ve done is accompanying our dad to his doctor’s appointments. He lives with hearing loss, so we frame the offer of taking him as a way to ensure he hears and understands everything his doctors say. He appreciates having us serve as interpreters, and being in the room allows my sisters and me to raise concerns with his physicians that our dad might not bring up himself.
To ensure all of our dad’s bills get paid in a timely manner, my sister set up automatic drafts at his bank. That may sound like a no-brainer for most of us, but for a man accustomed to sorting through mail and writing checks for everything, this small change felt pretty revolutionary, and he appreciated the time and trouble it saved.
But the biggest change we’ve made is increasing communication with our dad. Checking in with him multiple times each week not only allows us to feel closer to our father, it also helps us stay abreast of any issues he may be having.
Our communication also includes candid discussions with him about his cognitive difficulties. My dad is aware that he’s becoming more forgetful, so talking with him about it and working through solutions together allows us to feel like we’re being proactive while also allowing our father to maintain a sense of control over his own life.
We maintain a delicate balance, and while that may shift as our dad continues to age, for now, these small changes have worked for our family. Do I still worry about my dad? Of course. But I also feel better knowing that my sisters and I are actively responding to his cognitive difficulties in a way that allows him to continue to be the healthy, independent man he’s always been.
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