- I taught high schoolers for 10 years and often overheard their complaints about college admissions.
- Most students want their parents to know that they are stressed about paying for college, too.
- They also want to choose their own major, and some don’t even want to go to college.
I was a teacher for 10 years, and many high school students would take refuge in my classroom during lunchtime. They’d show me and each other pictures of their new dog and argue over the ethics of Taylor Swift’s concert ticket prices. They also did a substantial amount of venting; they mostly complained about how their parents just “didn’t get it” when it came to college.
As a young parent myself, I knew the tough dilemma both the parents and the kids faced — a battle of wills and goals, finances and friendships. I understood both sides of the argument as families grappled with issues like cost, distance, and reputation.
Most of all, I noticed how my students wanted to be heard by their parents. They wanted a little more understanding and less advice.
Here’s what I learned by listening to my college-bound students.
Kids want to choose their major and don’t want parents’ input
It’s the first question any new college student gets repeatedly: What’s your major?”
It can be hard to pick a major that meets all the requirements for students and parents. Parents want their kids to choose a smart major that is translatable to the business world and future-proof. Meanwhile, students want their major to be interesting, sometimes creative, and aligned with their dreams. For some, it’s their first chance to study something that they are passionate about versus the drudgery of mandatory high school courses.
I overheard plenty of conversations from students who planned to start with their parent’s idea of the best major and then switch later in their academic careers to what they wanted.
The bottom line: Some students don’t feel heard about their major choice and feel judged because it’s not their parents’ idea of the “right” path. Opening up a dialogue with students can help them understand what they really want to do.
They want to follow their friends to college
As any parent of teens can attest to, friends are life. They aren’t just someone to hang out with here and there; they are fundamental to teen development and even happiness.
I watched numerous groups of students choose the same college so they wouldn’t be separated. I watched girlfriends and boyfriends follow their love interests across the country.
By far, this was one of the toughest ones for parents because, as most parents know, these friendships and relationships easily come and go at that age — but the choice of where to go to school is much more permanent.
The bottom line: It’s natural for students to want to follow their friends, applying to the same colleges. Some of them feel shame for this or try to hide that it’s the real reason they want to go to a certain school. Parents need to talk to their kids to understand why they are drawn to certain schools.
Kids are stressed about finances and tuition, too
Students and parents worry about money. Some of the conversations I overheard included, “I’m worried about my mom trying to pay for college when she already doesn’t have enough money,” “I need to figure out this FAFSA because I know my parents aren’t going to help,” and, “I’m going to be in debt forever, but what other choice do I have?”
The teens I worked with were generally hardworking and really hated the stereotype that their generation was lazy and not into working for their future. They are thinking deeply about their college plans and how they will fund those dreams. It’s becoming an even bigger issue as tuition continues to climb.
The bottom line: The students and parents who had open and honest conversations about money fared the best and gave students less stress and more ability to plan — even if that meant they needed to pay for it themselves.
Some students just don’t want to go to college
Sometimes, I heard, “I don’t even want to go to college, but I can’t tell my parents.”
This was so tough to hear as a teacher because it was the ultimate sign that a student couldn’t openly share their preferred path — whether it was travel, Teach for America, mission trips, blue-collar work, or technical school.
Some students kept this a secret, wasting thousands of dollars (of their own or their families’) to drop out a year later. Others forged ahead into the college pathway but were miserable the whole time. Disappointing their family was a tough load to carry.
The bottom line: Start by discussing “if” and “not ” when a student might go to college, fairly presenting other reasonable options and pathways to success.
Open communication is necessary
Generally, kids really want to impress their parents and prove they can succeed at the college of their dreams. All of this can be more easily achieved if parents and college-bound kids are open to having conversations.
When my own kids get to this stage, I hope I can remember to tell them that amidst the FAFSA forms, Common App, college visits, and future planning, our relationship will be more important than any college decision.
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