- Ben Maddern, 51, became a stay-at-home dad to his kids, a 4-year-old boy and 1-year-old girl.
- He was previously a police officer and founder of South Australia’s Strongman competition.
- He said he’s learned more about himself in the last four years than in 20 years of his career.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Ben Maddern, stay-at-home dad and founder of South Australia’s Strongman competition. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Four years ago, at 47, I embarked on a huge life shift: I sold my business, stopped working, and became a stay-at-home dad for the first time. It’s been a huge shift for me, and I’ve learned more about myself these last few years than at any time in my career.
In 2005, when I was 38 years old, I founded South Australia’s Strongman competition and won the title myself several times. Then, I became a coach to athletes and CEOs.
When my partner and I discussed having kids and who’d be the main caregiver, it made sense for me to do it. She has a career in finance; I had my own business that was easier to leave, so I sold the Strongman brand, and I know that I can return to coaching clients once the kids are at school.
In many ways, I’d achieved the peaks of professional success with a thriving company and client book, so I was ready to embrace a new challenge: being a stay-at-home dad.
Parenting is a completely new challenge for me
I’d previously been a police officer for 20 years, so I reckoned I was pretty much prepared for anything. I just thought, yeah, I’ll give it a try! But back then, I definitely wasn’t as aware of the demands of parenthood as I am now.
As a police officer, you’re not dealing with your own stuff. Initially, coming from my experience in that field and the more macho Strongman perspective I came from in my other work, my approach was: let’s attack this; let’s thrive and drive forward. However, with parenting, I learned this approach won’t work. It’s more personal, and though there’s no off switch, you also have to be very patient. Things often aren’t going to work out how you’d like, and you can’t control that.
You also can’t completely control your kids. You can only provide guidance, be a mentor, and give them love. A lot of the time, they’re going to just say no. You have to show them you’re the parent and you set the boundaries, even if they don’t like it. But you also have to accept them even when you challenge their behavior.
With my clients, I’d gotten used to people saying yes; they were paying for my advice, after all. Parenting was almost the exact opposite of everything I’d experienced in my career.
I’ve learned new things about myself
If I had to give parenting advice to anyone, I’d say: just take it day by day. Don’t expect too much. In fact, give up your own expectations. Don’t get too caught up in the things you think are failures. Be very, very patient.
In my old life, I was very much an alpha male — a big, strong guy, the type to dominate a room. That’s probably been the most challenging transition from my old life; I’m not like that with my kids. Nor do I want to be.
As a stay-at-home father, I want to lead by example and give my children the chance to be their own person. They’ll follow you in the things that suit them and will also find their own ways to rebel against your boundaries, even at a young age. So that’s been a real shift for me, letting go of that dominance and control. I’ve had to give that up. Obviously, there’s some ego I’ve had to let go of to do that and say, hey, it’s no longer about me. My purpose is different now.
I’m often the only dad in the group
When I’m sometimes the only dad in a sea of moms, I understand it’s an adjustment for everyone. It’s also a good way of breaking stereotypes.
I’ll admit, though, sometimes I’ve felt like the odd one out. When the pandemic hit, our doctor connected us to an online parents’ group, and when I showed up the first time, I was the only dad, and about half of the moms were breastfeeding on Zoom. It was a general parenting session, but it felt very much geared toward moms, and I didn’t feel totally comfortable giving input in that meeting.
I do hear some encouraging feedback from moms, though. Usually, they’ll say something like, “I’m going to tell my husband about you — he might get inspiration from it.” I’ve picked up on that a lot — there’s a consensus that husbands or male partners don’t fully understand the complexities and challenges of being the default parent. I know I didn’t before I started.
When the kids eventually start school, I’ll return to coaching clients. I’ll do so having learned more about myself during these last few years as a full-time dad than in 20 years as a police officer and semi-professional athlete. The biggest thing I’ve learned? To own my own limitations.
I know that I’ll miss my kids when I return to work. I’ve really gotten to know them. They’ve taught me that it’s OK to step out of the box, which is a valuable lesson and one I’ll hopefully be able to pass on to them as they get older. Not only has being a stay-at-home dad taught me it is OK to step out of your comfort zone, but it’s important to do so. If you don’t get out of your comfort zone, you’ll never grow.
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