Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted to be a dad. I wasn’t into Little League or sports like most boys. I was more into puppet shows and action figures. One Christmas, I got a Jerry Mahoney ventriloquist dummy, and in my mind, that thing became my son. I’d sit him at the table, try to feed him cookies and pretzels, and talk to him like he was real. My mom wasn’t exactly thrilled, but to me, I wasn’t playing — I was practicing.
That instinct to nurture stuck with me. At 10 years old, I was constantly pestering the neighbor in our New Rochelle apartment building to let me feed her new baby. She probably thought I was crazy, but she let me, and I loved it. By the time the Cabbage Patch Dolls craze hit in the 1980s, I wanted one — not because it was popular, but because I wanted to adopt something, anything, that needed love.
I focused on my career
I had a typical 1970s suburban childhood: Saturday morning cartoons, clipping coupons at Waldbaum’s with my mom, riding bikes with banana seats and bells until the streetlights came on. There were no cellphones or social media. If you missed a TV show, you just had to wait for the rerun. It was a simpler world, and I look back on it now and realize how much it shaped me.
But life took me in other directions before fatherhood. I went to college in upstate New York and then dove into the media world. My first job was at ABC. I lived in a tiny studio on the Upper West Side and threw myself into my career. By day, I was chasing ad deals and trying to make a name for myself. By night, I was out in the city, soaking up the energy, the clubs, the scene. It was thrilling, exhausting, and felt like it would never end.
I was proud of my career. It gave me stability, a sense of accomplishment, and more stories than I could ever tell.
But then one morning, I woke up and realized I was 49, I wasn’t married, and I didn’t have kids. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life alone with just a cat. I wanted to be a dad, and I didn’t want to keep waiting for the “perfect” setup that might never come.
My family thought I was crazy
When I told my family over dinner, the reactions were mixed. My brother thought I’d lost my mind. My mom, who always dreamed of being a grandmother, was cautiously hopeful. Some members of my extended family didn’t support me at all. A few even cut ties completely. That still hurts. But I wasn’t doing it for them. I was doing it because I had love to give.
I started the process with a fertility center. I found both an egg donor and a surrogate. It was expensive and nerve-racking. The first attempt failed. No pregnancy, no embryos left, and almost no money. I felt crushed.
Six months later, after a lot of soul-searching, I tried again. I cashed out my 401(k) and held my breath. This time, it worked. The surrogate was pregnant. I’ll never forget staring at the word “positive” on the test results. It didn’t feel real.
And then, suddenly, it was real. I was going to be a dad to twin girls.
Raising twins on my own was no joke
From the start, I knew I couldn’t do it completely alone. I hired a live-in nanny, a warm Jamaican woman who became my right hand. She was there for endless bottles, sleepless nights, pediatrician appointments, and my moments of total doubt. She wasn’t just a nanny — she became family.
My mom was over the moon when the girls were born. Sadly, not long after, she was diagnosed with cancer. I was juggling newborn twins with hospital visits, insurance battles, and chemo treatments. It was brutal.
Losing my mom while raising two babies on my own was the hardest chapter of my life. I leaned on friends and my brother, but the weight was mostly mine to carry.
There are days I question it — but never for long
Parenting alone is overwhelming. There are bills, laundry, teenage arguments, slammed doors, and nights when I wonder how I’m going to hold it all together. But then I peek into their rooms, see my daughters asleep, peaceful and quiet, and the love I feel in those moments makes every struggle worth it.
Fatherhood gave me a second shot at my own childhood. We went to Disney, picked apples, trick-or-treated, and had over-the-top Christmas mornings. My pantry was suddenly filled with Twinkies, Yodels, and the same junk food I grew up on. We played games, watched cartoons, and laughed together. It wasn’t just about raising them — it was about reconnecting with the kid I used to be.
Now they’re teenagers — they fight like siblings do, slam doors, and blast music. When one of them got her first period, I was a panicked dad in the pharmacy aisle, Googling what to buy. I had no manual for that, but I figured it out. Parenting is a lot of figuring it out.
Most nights now, it’s me and my dog, Oreo, on the couch. I sometimes think back to my old New York life — the clubs, the Porsche, the sense of endless possibility — and I miss it. But I wouldn’t trade the life I have now.
A surprise connection brought it full circle
I managed to reconnect with the girls’ egg donor. Meeting her was surreal. The girls hugged her right away, like they had known her forever. She gave them bracelets, and suddenly it felt like another missing piece had clicked into place. Watching them laugh together was like witnessing a little miracle.
Becoming a dad at 49 was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was expensive, exhausting, and at times overwhelming, but it was also the most rewarding.
It’s not the life I pictured in my 20s, but it’s the life I built, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.
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