This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Liz Walton. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
Getting pregnant for me was a 10-year journey from age 36, with six rounds of IVF treatment. None of it worked.
Then, my sister-in-law got pregnant from her first round of IVF. That was emotionally difficult for me. My reality was, I was out of money and out of chances.
I realized I needed to figure out how to give up, how to let go of my dream of parenthood. I did lots of inner work on myself to heal. I stopped drinking and smoking and began reconnecting with my husband. I’d unfairly projected some anger onto him; he had anti-sperm antibodies, which were preventing me from getting pregnant.
When I turned 46, I actually thought I was going through menopause as I was feeling so dreadful, so I went to the doctor. I discovered — to my utter shock — I was pregnant. I think all the inner work I did on letting go and de-stressing helped me fall pregnant naturally. I also think it has made me a better mom.
Like many older moms, I faced worries about the health of my baby
At my 12-week scan, the doctor said, “I’m sorry, but things don’t look well.”
There was too much fluid in the womb, meaning my baby may not make it, and if she did, she may have chromosomal issues like Down syndrome. I’d cried so much. I realized I had to be OK with not knowing, keeping stress down, and focusing on my determination to love my baby no matter what.
In the end, my daughter, Willow, was born healthy. She’s now 9, and I’m 55. I’m one of the oldest moms at the school pick-up — about 15 years older than most other moms, which I really notice.
I love being an older mom
I bring more years of life experience and understanding to the table. After my 10-year fertility journey and deep introspection, I really know who I am. I have a healthier state of mind, and I’m more mentally balanced and happier than I was when I was younger. I now use my journey to help others as a fertility coach.
That said, Willow is a little bundle of energy, often wanting to run around and cycle. I’m very aware of managing my energy levels. It involves lots of time management and making sure I create time and preserve energy for “play dates” with Willow because sometimes, I am a bit exhausted. I do ask myself if that actually is my age, though. Other much younger moms who are balancing employment with being a parent tell me they also feel exhausted.
If I sense that younger moms are getting stressed or unhappy, I’m often the one who steps in and asks if everything’s OK and if I can help in any way. It’s like I’m an all-around mom, even to the younger moms. At Willow’s school, I’m the coordinator; I get everyone together and check in on everybody. I’ve worked hard to become this version of myself, so I’m happy to use it to support others.
Having older parents has affected my daughter
My husband’s mom, Willow’s grandma, died eight weeks ago. Willow said to me, “Oh, I don’t have any grandparents left.” It led to an interesting conversation about older parenthood, mortality, grief, and life cycles.
Willow has had to say goodbye to all her grandparents before others her age have even considered it. I explained that we’re each given a different path in life. Willow has taught me about the importance of acceptance, which I’m now imparting to her, too.
Ultimately, as long as I’ve done my best to create a little individual who is strong, knows her voice, and is healthy in this world, then I’ve done my best.
Through having my miracle daughter, I became the best possible version of myself. Now I see it as my life’s mission to help Willow become the best version of herself, too. I want her to be strong and to speak up when something’s not right. I want her to find her glimmers and make them into gifts.
If she can do that, I’ve done my job as a parent — regardless of my age.
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