Dear For Love & Money,
My mom has been independent for a long time, but she’s in her 90s, and her mobility and memory problems are showing that it’s time she went somewhere with 24/7 care. I would be happy to take her in, but my apartment is small with too many stairs.
Mom won’t admit she needs help, and my brother and sister seem happy to agree with her. Selling her house should pay for assisted living for a couple of years, but they get angry when I suggest it. I don’t want to wait for her to fall or get lost before we take care of her, but I’m outvoted.
Sincerely,
Worried
Dear Worried,
I worked at a retirement home years ago, and even in a place where residents had already sacrificed a level of their autonomy, they still discussed their children’s protective measures — such as whose kids had confiscated their car keys — with outrage. After all, they’d lament, they taught that airhead to drive in the first place and picked him up from the police station when he crashed his car in a street race!
My coworker lost his bumper in the parking lot to one of those residents. I wondered how they could deny the overwhelming amount of evidence that their middle-aged children had a point. How could they ignore the impairment of their age when it amounted to danger?
In all my 19-year-old wisdom, I promised myself I would never be like that; I would recognize my limitations as they arose, acknowledge to myself and others when my independence became a burden and a danger to others, and willingly relinquish it.
This is still my plan, in theory, but I’m raising three kids now, all of whom are entirely dependent on my goodwill to do anything. Your friend’s back-to-school pool party is happening the same night we’re visiting grandma? Bummer for you. You want a chocolate shake at 8 p.m.? Too bad — I’m in for the night, on a diet, and trying to spend less on takeout.
Their utter dependence on someone else — even someone who loves them dearly, like me — is a way of life I haven’t experienced in decades and have no desire to experience again. I doubt turning 80 or even 90 is going to change that, even if the person asking me to give up my independence once depended on me, and they’re only asking now out of love.
I don’t say any of this to imply you’re wrong for wanting to take care of your mom. I trust there have been enough causes of concern to make you feel like getting her round-the-clock care is a matter of urgency.
Still, it’s important that you approach your mom’s resistance with empathy, rather than frustration. Asking her to move into assisted living might seem like a natural next step to you, but to her, it means accepting that her life is drawing to a close. It’s giving away her power; you’re asking her never again to grab a burger from the drive-thru window just because she wants one, or to putter around her garden, or to sit in her favorite spot by the window of her home, where she used to read you stories.
Have some empathy for yourself as well. It must be scary always wondering if your mom fell and can’t call for help, or worrying that she’ll forget she left the burner on, or get lost on the way home from the store. Take care of yourself. While it may be difficult for your mom and siblings to acknowledge that her life is drawing to a close, I imagine it’s lonely and painful to recognize it when no one else will.
Perhaps your brother and sister struggle with asking this of her more than you do. Or maybe they just don’t want to or can’t deal with this right now. Whatever the case, talk to them. It’s important that you’re all on Team Give-Mom-The-Care-She-Needs right now. This means finding out why they don’t seem concerned. Maybe they don’t want to force your mom to do something she doesn’t want to do, or they aren’t sure how your family will afford solutions. Or perhaps, they know something you don’t. Being curious and seeking to understand is your best bet for being treated in a kind way.
While you wait for your family to grasp the reality of the situation — and to perhaps help them along — look into alternatives to assisted living facilities. Your family may associate such places with advanced Alzheimer’s and palliative care, but there are other options they may find more appealing. Look into senior patio homes, independent living communities, and retirement homes. Depending on your mom’s needs, these options could remove many of the obstacles to living alone while retaining her independence. Home health aides are another good option for alleviating your worry without taking away your mom’s autonomy.
Part of your family’s resistance may be the logistical overwhelm of your mom making a significant life change. Rather than suggesting she sell the house to pay for everything, ask if you can help her review her finances. Find out how much retirement savings she has left, whether Medicare or Medicaid would cover anything, and what other resources may be available to her.
You may not be able to offer your mom a place to live right now, but you can offer your support by taking on the bulk of this challenge and helping her along with care and love. Show her that she isn’t alone, and just as she was there for you at the beginning, you’ll be here for her at the end, whenever she’s ready.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Read the full article here
