Dear For Love & Money,
Around four years ago, I upgraded to a larger apartment. Upon his choosing and against my advice, my father sold his apartment. We agreed that he could move into my old one, and he has been paying the mortgage on it ever since.
Meanwhile, the loan amount increased, and to reduce the monthly payments, he gave me some money, which I used to pay down the debt. Nowadays, he pays around ⅓ of the market price for renting a similar apartment in the same area.
Now the apartment value has doubled, and I’m considering selling it and buying another similar one for him, just in a different area, no more than 10 kilometers from the current one. I’d then use the remaining amount to reduce my mortgage.
However, I have mixed feelings about this, as our relationship has never been open, and he lacks empathy. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Stay or Sell
Dear Stay or Sell,
From the sound of your letter, you have a sense of what would be best for you financially, but have mixed feelings about how to proceed. However, it’s unclear whether your mixed feelings stem from uncertainty over your father’s reaction to your proposed transition, or if you’re reconsidering the arrangement altogether due to his personality and your closed-off relationship.
Depending on the situation, your options sound like they’re to either buy a new apartment and allow your father to live in it while paying for the mortgage — keeping things as they presently stand — or to sell the apartment he’s currently living in and discontinue the arrangement altogether.
Let’s look at this last option first. You’ve mentioned not having the most open relationship with your father, and your emphasis on him getting a great financial deal makes me wonder if the money you’re missing out on is part of your concern. Discontinuing the arrangement with your father would solve these issues. If you choose this course of action, you’ll have two outcomes: You’ll need to make your own monthly payments, and you’ll essentially be putting your father on the street.
There already seems to be a strain between you and your father, but kicking him out of his home without an open conversation and an action plan for next steps would be something your relationship would likely never recover from. I say “his home” because while it’s your property, the apartment has been his home for the past four years. You mentioned that he sold his old place against your advice, and you could point to that as justification for taking his current home from him, but that was several years ago and has little bearing on the current circumstances.
This isn’t to say that selling your apartment and discontinuing your arrangement with your father isn’t an option. It is one you must handle carefully, however, if you hope to maintain your relationship. You’ll need to give your father plenty of notice and help him find a new place to stay. Have patience, be supportive, and take an active interest in maintaining your relationship, even without an apartment keeping you close.
However, perhaps it’s less about your dissatisfaction about the arrangement and more about how your father will feel about the change. If the alternative you have in mind is to buy a new place and continue allowing him to live there in exchange for the mortgage payment, your best option is complete transparency.
If your father’s empathetic limits will make him less receptive to an emotional plea, lead with the financial advantages of your plan. Even though you’ll be the primary beneficiary, as your father, he likely values your interests for your future. Beyond that, talk the whole thing over with him.
Remember that your father’s propensity toward cageyness is unlikely to change. But neither will the resentment you feel every time you get a Zillow notification reminding you how much of a goldmine you’re allowing him to sit on. If you don’t like how things feel right now, imagine the state of your emotions in a year.
Talk to him about your financial goals and your misgivings. Explain your feelings about continuing the arrangement, and give him clear objectives for assuaging your concerns. Ask him how he feels about things, which option seems the best to him, and whether he’d like to collaborate with you on making his preference more doable.
Despite all the uneasiness you described in your letter, the logistics of your arrangement seem mutually respected; he pays the mortgage on time, and you provide him with an affordable place to stay. Build on that respect.
You’ll work things out financially. Either you’ll help your father find a new place that doesn’t involve your assets, or you’ll continue your arrangement with a less expensive apartment and use the difference to lower your mortgage. But your relationship with your father won’t be as simple to solve.
You said that your “relationship has never been open.” Perhaps this is due to your father’s empathy issues, but the lack of communication between the two of you undoubtedly deserves part of the blame. The fact that you two have shared responsibility for a mortgage and spent the last four years working together shows the strength of your bond. So, start talking, and kick that closed door between you wide open. You might find yourself in a better position, not only financially, but as a family as well.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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