SWIFTIES FAN ARMY INC*. — Supporting America’s Hottest Brand
For Immediate Release
NEW YORK — Here at Swifties Fan Army Inc., we love nothing more than the merger of two clients that will undoubtedly maximize shareholder value.
The engagement announcement of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce is an exciting synergy of two beloved brands.
This is the kind of once-in-a-lifetime moment that will have our shareholders begging to be run over by a bus (complimentary).
We’ve already seen strong momentum with the announcement of Ms. Swift’s new album, “The Life of a Showgirl,” on Mr. Kelce’s podcast, “New Heights.”
We are more excited than ever by Jason Kelce’s outreach to a key untapped demographic — unhinged Philadelphia sports fans — that we believe will have a strong impact through Q2 2026. Already, our street-marketing team is looking into greasing light poles to prevent climbing for the launch date of “The Life of a Showgirl” — and we have a strong market forecast of someone burning a couch.
Meanwhile, Mr. Kelce announced his new clothing line at American Eagle on Wednesday morning, which resulted in a 5% bump in the retailer’s share price.
We’re thrilled to see the immediate results of the merger in the marketplace, and happy to have moved past that unfortunate Sydney Sweeney mess.
Although we acknowledge a risk of overexposure through the next album release coinciding with the NFL season’s start, we believe that the value proposition of the combined business units will create lasting returns and will outperform expectations.
At this time, we are not able to forecast wedding or tour plans, but we are confident that the merger will create a lasting and strong brand through 2026 and beyond, with maximal value to the Travlor ship stan community.
Congrats to the happy couple.
*Not a real company — or forecast!
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