When I became pregnant with my first child, my husband and I made the difficult yet practical decision for me to stay home.
Even though I had a thriving career in higher ed, my income was low, childcare was expensive, and travel (a requirement of my job) wouldn’t be feasible anymore — or at least for years to come.
With a few cuts to our household budget, it just made sense for me to stay home. Besides, motherhood would be the most rewarding experience of my life, right?
I was lonelier than ever
When our first baby was born, I was so in love with him and elated to finally have what I wanted most: to be a mom. In those first weeks, I felt strongly that I would love my new role as a stay-at-home mom and couldn’t imagine going back to work. However, after my husband’s paternity leave ended and he returned to work, I was home alone with the baby, and reality set in.
I was sleep deprived, exhausted from exclusively nursing, and lonelier than I had ever been. I was jealous of my friends who were still working and could get away to do something other than care for a baby. Desperate for connection, I joined several baby and me classes through my local parks and rec, hoping to make a few friends navigating the same challenges.
The moms I met were kind, but our conversations revolved around our children’s sleeping and eating schedules and how we were dealing with our toddlers’ tantrums. Somewhere along the way, my interests and identity faded away. I needed more intellectual stimulation, I wanted to do more to connect with the community, and I wanted to use my talents outside of the home.
Staying home wasn’t for me
As months turned into years, I felt increasingly isolated. I hired a babysitter once a week in the afternoon so I could escape the monotony of child rearing. One of these afternoons, I remember going to the movies alone and sobbing through “La La Land,” not because of the storyline but because it reminded me of what it felt like to be alive and have a sense of self outside motherhood.
When I finally summoned the courage to talk to my stay-at-home-mom friends about my feelings, it felt as if I was violating an unspoken rule. Shouldn’t I be grateful for this opportunity to bond with my child without the stress of a career? Wasn’t it a privilege to be there for all of my child’s milestones?
In fact, I knew how blessed I was to be able to stay home with my children, but I still felt so depressed. Five years of staying home and two babies later, it wasn’t until I returned to work with a purpose outside the home that I truly felt like myself again.
I truly love being a mom, but I recognize that staying at home is not my strength. Working outside of the home in the community makes me a better mom, more present, patient, and fulfilled.
Stay-at-home motherhood isn’t for everyone, and that’s OK. We need to allow mothers to speak honestly about the complexities of raising children, including the very real feelings of isolation, loss of identity, and emotional debility that often come with motherhood.
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