Just like romantic relationships, friendships have their ups and downs. Conflict doesn’t mean your friend is toxic.
However, not all tensions are fixable, and not all differences are worth enduring. Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, told Business Insider that if you feel invisible or emotionally unsafe in any relationship, it’s doing more harm than good.
Assessing if a friendship is healthy and fulfilling “is one of those questions that we don’t take the time to ask ourselves,” Kirmayer said, even though the answer is usually “very telling.” It’s even harder to do if you share a deep history with a childhood or school BFF.
Kirmayer shared some red flags that a friendship might be worth ending, whether it’s too one-sided or filled with drama.
1. They’re inherently self-centered
All close friendships should feel balanced, without “scorekeeping or counting the minutes,” Kirmayer said.
It’s not to say that you’ll always feel like perfect equals. Your friend’s communication style might be more talkative than yours, or they might need more support during a crisis.
But they should also find time to ask you questions back and remember details about your life. Otherwise, you’re in a relationship with an energy vampire, drained from listening to your friend’s vents without ever getting the floor, too.
2. They tear you down under the guise of ‘brutal honesty’
Great friendships will occasionally involve telling each other what you don’t want to hear.
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But Kirmayer said there’s a difference between sharing hard truths and insulting your friend’s life choices under the cover of “I’m just being honest!”
“We feel the truest sense of belonging and connection when we feel seen, heard, and appreciated for who we actually are,” Kirmayer said. If you constantly get told you’re doing something wrong, “it can end up feeling like that friendship is conditional on our willingness or ability to mold ourselves into who they want us to be.”
Whether they’re taking jabs out of jealousy or highlighting your faults as a “joke,” they’re not helping you grow — they’re cutting you down.
3. They don’t take any feedback
If they can dole out lots of feedback but can’t take any themselves, that’s a sign of an uneven friendship.
One good way to gauge this is by watching how they respond when you bring up an issue, Kirmayer said. “Are they willing to take accountability or just hear you out in a way that allows for constructive conversations?”
If your friend is reactive to feedback, no matter how politely and diplomatically you present it, it’s a sign that you might be people-pleasing in the relationship to avoid explosive conflict.
4. They rarely text you first
For a friendship to feel stable, Kirmayer said it’s important for close friends to take turns initiating plans, rather than everything falling to one person.
“That consistency is important for keeping our friendships thriving,” she said. Otherwise, it can build resentment and distrust over time if one friend is always the one reaching out.
5. They always need to have it their way
True friends respect your boundaries, Kirmayer said. If you say no to talking about a vulnerable topic, do they keep prodding? If you don’t want to go out on a weeknight, do they start shaming you or try to change your mind?
She said someone not respecting the word “no” is a huge red flag in all relationships. Ironically, it can make you crave even more distance from a friend.
6. They badmouth people all the time
Not all gossip is bad, and it doesn’t always mean someone who talks about others will talk about you.
“Sometimes, our friends are gossiping as a need to secure support or to set out our perspectives and experiences,” Kirmayer said. It can be a way to work through a problem or grow closer via shared values.
However, gossip isn’t the same as a friend frequently putting other friends down to make themselves feel better. In general, Kirmayer said a solid friendship should present other ways of connecting besides what you don’t like about other people.
If you get a pit in your stomach about all the small things your friend rips other people apart over, it might be a sign that they’d speak just as badly about you, too.
7. They’re attached to the old you
Lifelong friendships undergo big life changes, like moving away, marriage, or having kids. Inevitably, those can change the dynamics of a friendship, too.
That’s why Kirmayer said it’s a great sign if your friend wants to keep learning about you. You should welcome new life updates and support each other through major milestones, not “only repeating the same conversations that you’ve had for years on end.”
If a friend is only invested in a past version of you, it can be a sign that you’re outgrowing your friendship.
While there’s no perfect way to break up with a friend, some methods are better than others. Even if you feel they’re worth ghosting, abruptly ending the friendship (or sending them a long therapy-speak text) will cause extra pain. It’s always better to try to have a conversation, even if it’s your last one.
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