- “Eldest-daughter syndrome” is not an official diagnosis, but it can describe how first daughters feel.
- A therapist said the common traits are perfectionism, people-pleasing, and over-responsibility.
- As the oldest of her six siblings, she said she related to eldest-daughter syndrome.
Eldest daughters often face more pressure than other kids, including oldest boys, according to an assortment of new studies.
Now, many first daughters are examining how being the biggest sister impacts everything from their academic success to who they date. The term “eldest-daughter syndrome” describes common feelings of pressure and perfectionism that oldest daughters deal with as adults.
Annie Wright, a therapist practicing in California, told Business Insider that while it’s not an official diagnosis, “eldest-daughter syndrome” can be a useful descriptor and is something she talks about with some of her clients.
It’s also something she personally relates to: She was the oldest of four siblings growing up, before two younger step sisters entered the family when Wright was an adult.
“I 100% relate to almost everything,” she said of the traits associated with eldest-daughter syndrome. Overachievement, self-reliance, and difficulties setting boundaries were all things she “absorbed very, very early on.”
While she attributes a lot of her career success to her eldest-daughter qualities, she said “there are really quite a few pros and cons when it comes to this set of personality traits I developed.”
She shared some of the most common issues eldest daughters deal with.
Being overly responsible in relationships
Wright said the most prevalent personality trait among eldest daughters is “high responsibility and caregiving.”
Eldest daughters are often relied on for help with their younger siblings, though the degrees vary. Daughters who were parentified, for example, might go beyond changing the occasional diaper and be responsible for managing care, organizing household tasks, or even mediating family conflict, Wright said.
“That early caregiving role really shapes their sense of identity and quite frankly contributes to them feeling overly responsible, both in family and then later in adult relationships,” she added.
A lot of self-inflicted pressure
Beyond caretaking, eldest daughters can feel “an implicit or explicit expectation for them to set the example for siblings,” Wright said, leading to developing perfectionism later in life.
This can translate to feeling pressure to “achieve academically, professionally, and personally,” she said, especially if their parents are also overly critical.
On the surface, it can seem like a great thing: eldest-daughter syndrome is often associated with “type-A” personalities and fantastic organizational skills. Wright says her overachievement helped her to become the first person in her family to go to college.
But she said the drive for success often comes with a cost for eldest daughters and “can contribute to their stress, anxiety, and fear of failure.”
Struggling to ask for help
Because eldest daughters are often praised for their independence, they can develop “a really strong predisposition to self-reliance,” Wright said. If their caretaking prowess is what makes them the favorite child, they won’t want to give that title up by admitting they need help.
Drawing from her own childhood, Wright remembers feeling like a “good big sister” and “such a helper” when she would get the diapers for her newborn sibling. She said this can lead to eldest daughters internalizing the belief that they should handle everything on their own.
This can lead to resentment and a reluctance to be vulnerable. “The folks that don’t look like they need any help are often the ones who really need the help,” Wright said.
People-pleasing
While eldest daughters struggle to voice a need, they can simultaneously take on more responsibilities from the people who have no trouble asking for help. They are often people-pleasers who have trouble with setting boundaries.
In her practice, she often advises eldest daughters to start small with boundary-setting. ” I would invite people to ask themselves where they could step back from caregiving, allow others to take responsibility for themselves,” she said. “It’s totally OK to say, ‘I need some time for myself and I won’t be able to help.'”
Prone to burnout
Eldest daughters are especially prone to burnout, Wright said. Many of her eldest-daughter clients come to realize that the same overachievement and lack of boundaries that got them their career success can spell trouble later on.
In her own experience, Wright’s initial career success morphed into challenges with workaholism. “The very things that can be adaptive early on in life can be maladaptive later,” she said.
Wright said that getting a cancer diagnosis in 2022 “really caused me to reevaluate working 80-hour weeks.” She also felt like she was missing out on time with her daughter.
Wright started “rigorous therapy” around how she was showing up. “It was totally not easy, pretty work, but unfortunately, it was crisis that got me to the point where I had to start looking at it.”
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