This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Katie Loftin, 33, and Phill Jackson, 34, a couple who share an apartment in Dallas and have separate bedrooms. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Loftin: As a woman, there’s often pressure to follow a more traditional path. But ever since I was 16, I’ve known I don’t want kids or to share a bed with my partner. I don’t sleep well next to someone else, and I value having my own space, so I brought up the idea of separate bedrooms with Phill before we even started dating.
It was important to me that he was on board. I’d gotten pushback from other guys before, so it would’ve been a dealbreaker if he wasn’t.
Jackson: Katie was the one who brought it up, and she was a little nervous to say, “Hey, I want my own bedroom.” But I was excited. She was going to be the first partner I’d ever lived with, and since I work from home and I’m also a musician, having my own space was really appealing.
A lot of it also comes down to sleep. When you share a bed, you don’t always feel well-rested.
Loftin: I think all relationships have their ups and downs, whether you share a bed or not. The difference with our arrangement is that you don’t have to deal with someone snoring next to you at night, on top of everything else.
Even if Phill and I broke up someday, I know that in any future relationship, having a separate bedroom would still be nonnegotiable for me.
Our home still feels like a shared space, even though we decorate our rooms differently
Jackson: We live in a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment in Dallas, and our rent is about $2,500 a month. We split it based on income, so I pay more because I make more.
A one-bedroom might save us a little, but not enough to make up for losing our own space.
Loftin: To me, it was a no-brainer. You pay one way or another, whether that’s financially or with your mental health.
We could live separately or have a similar setup with roommates, but we really like living this way. Phill and I are best friends, and it’s nice to come home, unwind, and be ourselves. Living together also helps us save money in small ways, like grocery shopping for two.
Loftin: Our rooms are really different. I’d describe Phill’s as a former bachelor pad.
Jackson: I’ve got a queen-size bed and an L-shaped desk where I work and do creative stuff. There are a couple of guitars around, and my room definitely gets messy sometimes.
Loftin: I love my room. It’s my cozy little haven. It has a funky, bohemian feel, and I also have space to work and be creative. I like to keep everything really clean.
Jackson: We have an open-door policy. It’s not like either of us is banned from the other’s room. Usually, the doors are open. But if I really need to focus, I’ll shut mine.
Having separate bedrooms has strengthened our relationship
Jackson: I work during the day, but my schedule is heavy on meetings. Sometimes tasks pile up, so I need dedicated focus time, and having my own room helps.
It’s also great for writing music. That’s something I’ve always done alone. I play with bandmates, but when I’m songwriting, it’s nice to have my own space to feel vulnerable and get into that headspace.
Loftin: Having my own bedroom also helps in difficult moments. My cat passed away last year, which was really hard, and sometimes it’s easier to process things alone and sit with your feelings. When life gets hard, having space to decompress really helps.
It’s great in the happy moments too, like when I’m ready for bed, I’ve had a great day, and I just want to go to my room and do my skincare.
Jackson: Having our own rooms has also made it easier to work things out when we’re upset. If things get heated, you can say, “Hey, I need to step away for a bit,” and take time to gather yourself before coming back and talking calmly.
Loftin: People often assume that couples who have separate bedrooms hate each other, or that our relationship is somehow in shambles. But it’s actually the opposite.
Our romantic life has improved. Intimacy doesn’t have to start in the bedroom. It can start in the kitchen or on dates. I think that makes it nicer, because we don’t assume we’re ending every day in bed together. It keeps some of that early-relationship energy alive.
We sleep separately because it works for us
Loftin: I feel like the only people who ever really ask about our dynamic are people at work. I work in a corporate environment, and I think it tends to reinforce more traditional values. When I tell people, they usually just say, “Oh, that’s interesting.”
Jackson: I work in tech and in the music industry, so I’m around a lot of people living different kinds of lives. While some of my coworkers might think it sounds odd at first, once I explain that it’s nice to get a good night’s sleep, they usually get it right away.
Loftin: We’ve been living together for three years, and so far, it’s worked really well. I like having my own clean space, and he likes having space to work and create — same for me.
Jackson: Having separate spaces has honestly made us appreciate the time we do spend together even more.
Read the full article here
