This as-told-to-essay is based on a conversation with Becca Scott, 50, who is based in Berkshire, UK. She is the author of “Bloom Through Life: How to Thrive Through Difficult Relationships and Create Lasting Change in Your Health.” It has been edited for length and clarity.
Meeting someone new — and having more children — was the last thing on my mind when I separated from my ex-husband in 2016.
I was adjusting to life as a full-time single mom of our two sons, then ages 8 and 11. I was awarded full custody when the divorce was finalized in 2018.
It was isolating. So when I met Simon, a single dad whose sons were of a similar age and went to the same school, I found someone to share my experiences with. Simon’s ex-partner had relocated abroad, so he also had full-time custody of his boys.
Being with Simon gave me a real feeling of joy in what had been a very dark period, and we soon fell in love.
We kept things low-key for about a year, and we didn’t move in together for another 18 months, still, as we were conscious that the boys had gone through major trauma.
In August 2018, at the age of 43, and after being told I couldn’t get pregnant again as my hormone levels were already really low, I found out I was pregnant — Simon and I would be having a little girl.
We moved in together, all six of us, in May 2019, just before our daughter was born. And like that, I became a mom of five overnight.
We sought advice from counselors and psychotherapists on how to blend our families
We both knew that this was not a transition in which we could just wing it and hope for the best, so we sought advice from counselors and psychotherapists.
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One of the best tips they shared was to start aligning our separate households on rules and ways of working beforehand, so the move wouldn’t be such a shock.
It took us a while to find our new parenting styles. I was conscious of not becoming a replacement mom to Simon’s boys, but I also took my role as a mother figure seriously. It’s a fine line to tread, especially when it comes to discipline.
Then I had to be mindful not to favor my own sons over Simon’s. We would have regular family meetings to check in on how everyone was doing.
We were also careful about how we approached Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. We wanted to celebrate each occasion with our own children, while being respectful to the other children who would not be seeing their biological mother or father on that day. We would intentionally keep the celebrations low-key.
We intentionally spend time with our own children separately
When we take vacations together as a family, we also intentionally spend time separately with our own children, so they don’t feel like they’re getting lost in the big family dynamic.
We have a chores schedule so everyone chips in. I do most of the cooking, and to keep sane, I have a five-week menu that we discuss at the family meeting. It also helps with budgeting — feeding a family of seven costs a small fortune.
We have not legally adopted the other person’s children, so there have been issues with medical appointments or when we have had to go to the emergency room, as only a biological parent or legal guardian can attend.
Our daughter brought everyone together
Our daughter, who is now 7, has been instrumental in bringing everyone together. I had a home birth, so the boys all met her within minutes, and have adored her since. She knows that there are another mommy and daddy somewhere, and she just accepts that’s the way it is in our family.
Parenting such a vast range of ages has also helped me keep perspective. Dealing with toddler tantrums seems trivial when you’re also supporting adolescent boys with their mental health, so I’ve been a more easygoing parent to my daughter.
While shared custody would have been our preference, having all the children live in one home full-time has given them stability. What they have navigated in their lives has also given them resilience and adaptability.
The boys are now 18, 19, 20, and 22. I love Simon’s as if they were my own. They are all starting to have their own lives, so when we are all home together, it’s actually magical. When one of Simon’s sons moved out to start a new job, my two messaged him to say how much they would miss him and how much they had enjoyed growing up with him. That was really moving.
Having five kids was never in my plan, but I feel really privileged to have my stepsons in my life — and to have become a mother again against the odds.
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