When I visited Paris for the first time in 2022 during my inaugural solo trip, I fell in love with the city instantly.
Sipping my chocolat chaud while reading Hemingway’s “A Moveable Feast” at the legendary Café de Flore, enveloped in the charming Haussmannian architecture the city is renowned for, I whispered to myself: “I could live here.”
It wasn’t until two years later that I would finally make the move abroad after being accepted into a graduate school program and subsequently quitting my dream job at a big-time magazine to fulfill my newest dream of living in Paris.
Although moving to France from the US has come with plenty of benefits, such as a slower pace of living and a healthier work-life balance, one part of my journey has significantly suffered: my love life.
For a city that markets itself as the City of Love, I have found building a meaningful connection with someone in Paris nearly impossible.
The language barrier has made it difficult to connect with potential partners deeply
As someone with an intermediate level of French, I knew when entering the Parisian dating scene that language would be a hurdle, especially when going on dates with non-native English speakers.
During dates with people who didn’t feel comfortable speaking English or didn’t speak the language very well, we’d mostly converse in French — I found banter to be difficult and less fluid.
My personality also took a hit. Instead of my usual, flirty self, I felt more reserved because I couldn’t express myself fully in my third language.
Even during dates where the other person did have a good command of English, I felt as though we lacked a certain access to one another as we weren’t able to express ourselves in our mother tongues.
As a result, I convinced myself our connection would never reach deeper than center ground.
I’ve had some great dates, but intimacy doesn’t always translate into romance
Another barrier to finding love while dating in Paris has been the differing dating customs.
In my experience, it’s not uncommon for French partners to want to go on regular romantic dates and engage in public displays of affection, like holding hands, even if we’re only seeing each other casually.
As someone who is used to clearly defined relationship boundaries and labels, like “friends with benefits” and “exclusive,” while dating in the US, I find it a bit disorienting to receive forms of intimacy usually reserved for a serious relationship from a non-romantic partner.
I have also observed that the “what are we?” conversation is not really common in France. After a few successful dates, it’s often assumed that you and your dating partner are exclusive. In comparison, in the US, a conversation around exclusivity usually precedes becoming “official” with someone.
The lack of a clear conversation around labels has often left me feeling confused about where I stand with potential partners or the relationship feeling unbalanced.
I have considered moving back to the US for a better chance at love
While I can’t say my dating experience was that much better when I was living in the US, I do consider moving back home to New York to increase my chances of finding a meaningful partnership.
In my experience, there are many benefits to dating in your native country — from speaking the same language to upholding similar dating rules and customs, and, oftentimes, having shared experiences that can only be witnessed by someone from your hometown.
At the same time, some of the most beautiful love stories defy cultural and language barriers. I would be remiss not to try to work past the difficult parts of dating abroad in my search for a partner who makes my heart flutter long past the honeymoon stage.
Nevertheless, while concurrently navigating a seemingly never-ending dating pool, I have also been enjoying my alone time in this fairy-tale city.
In her essay, “Why Are All the Lonely Girls Going to Paris?,” writer Jenna Ryu argues that perhaps inhabiting this so-called City of Love is not about finding a storybook romance, but celebrating the beauty of solitude, especially as a young, single woman.
I have never felt more sure of myself and in love with life than during these past two years living in Paris. The love I would often reserve for a romantic partner, I have been pouring onto myself — and that has made all the difference.
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