This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Ken Polk, 53, who is based in Birmingham, Alabama. He is the founder of Arlington Family Offices. This has been edited for length and clarity.
I believe most families think about inheritance, but many don’t really talk about it.
Whether your children are due to receive $100,000 or $100 million, it doesn’t really matter. The challenge is the same: if you know this meteor is coming into your children’s universe, you need to prepare them for it.
I recommend a process that begins in childhood and evolves as your kids grow up. I’ve personally gone through it with my four children, who are now 27, 25, 23, and 21, so I speak from experience.
These are the three steps I’d recommend to any parent.
1. Build character before you talk about inheritance
People often talk about wanting their legacy to last. Ultimately, preserving legacy comes down to a child’s character and who they’re becoming.
One exercise I recommend is asking your child to identify eight character traits they aspire to, then write a letter to their future self. It’s about helping them work backward from the person they want to become.
When it comes to preparing a child for an inheritance, I think the ultimate gift is helping them find their purpose in life before the money arrives.
2. Teach your children financial habits
I think you can also start teaching your children financial discipline from as young as 6. It can be as simple as teaching them to divide their money into three jars or envelopes: some to give, some to save, and the rest for living. I call it the undefeated financial plan.
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Six years after my kids got their jars, they came with me to open bank accounts when they turned 12. By then, they were using the same “give, save, live” system with their accounts.
You don’t need everyone in your family to become great investors, but they do need to have a shared framework for making financial decisions. As children learn to handle smaller financial decisions, you can gradually entrust them with bigger ones. That helps prepare them for the point when you can start discussing what they might inherit.
3. Explain what they’re inheriting and why
If you’ve done that work at different stages of your children’s lives, you can begin the reveal process between ages 19 and 22. That’s when you begin walking them through the family’s finances and talking more openly about their inheritance.
It partly involves what we call a legacy letter, which we help families write. It’s not about showing your adult children boring trust and estate documents. The key is to draft a legacy letter that makes the “spirit” of the money clear.
If you give someone a check and say you’d like them to use it for something like education, for example, that’s the spirit behind the money. The same principle applies to an inheritance.
I did this with each of my four children. Their mother and I sat down with them and explained that there was a reason we had taught them systems like give, save, and live. We were seeing whether they could handle the inheritance they were about to learn about.
Eventually, parents have to be prepared to let go. You have to let your children make their own financial decisions as they get married, have families of their own, or branch off.
The key is teaching a system rooted in shared values and principles that can be passed down. Live those values yourself, pass them on to your children, and create a legacy that lasts.
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