This as-told-to essay is based on conversations with Joshua and Kelsey Harville, a 35-year-old Realtor and 29-year-old nurse in Fort Worth, Texas, respectively.
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The following has been edited for length and clarity.
Joshua Harville: Raising a child can feel like a full-time job on top of a full-time job. My wife Kelsey and I tag-team hours in the day between her work as a full-time nurse and my time as a full-time Realtor.
Our work can be exhausting, but thankfully, our schedules allow us to trade places when we need to care for our 16-month-old daughter. Sometimes, dropping off tasks to one another can feel like we’re splitting custody, even though we’re happily married.
We don’t pay for childcare. Our parents help look after her when they can. We’re so blessed and grateful for a close support system that loves us and refuses to take our money.
We both work full time
Joshua: Selling homes changes daily and sometimes by the hour. Scheduling is key. My job doesn’t pay hourly, so it’s really up to my own performance throughout the day.
I usually finish work around dinner time, but it’s not uncommon for us to sit on the couch at 10 p.m., and I’m still answering emails or texts. I’ve been trying to protect my downtime more and not add more to my plate.
Kelsey Harville: As a registered nurse, I work 13-hour shifts at the hospital, three days a week. I am also on call some days as a chemo nurse when our hospital needs extra hands.
Joshua: We manage to split the time with childcare to 35% for me and 65% for her in a given week. However, during those four days she’s at home, she does about 90% of the work.
Kelsey: I feel like I take on 70 to 75% of the childcare duties during the week.
Joshua: Our days are very fluid, and planning in advance helps us keep our heads.
A typical day in the life when Kelsey is working
Joshua: When Kelsey works, I do most of the childcare tasks between 6 a.m. and until her shift ends around 8 p.m. She FaceTimes us when she has a break at work to check in.
After getting our daughter breakfast, I may put on a Ms. Rachel video while focusing on work in the other room. She’ll watch long enough before pulling on my leg to spend time with her.
We’ll then hang out from noon until 1 p.m., and then — luckily for my work — it’s naptime. I’ll work while she sleeps for another two hours, and then she’ll be back up and ready to play.
We’ll go back and forth between her running around and me working until Kelsey gets home that night. I’ll then usually cook dinner for all of us to eat together, and then it’s bedtime.
If a buyer unexpectedly says they want to see a house that afternoon or night, it can throw the whole day for a loop.
I treat it like triaging in the medical field. I’ll text our moms to see if they can watch her for a couple of hours. I’m glad our parents support us on occasion when I can’t be at home.
Otherwise, I’ll try to reschedule with the client. If that doesn’t work, then she’s coming with me, as long as the client is comfortable with a toddler giggling and stamping around the house.
A typical day in the life when Joshua is working
Joshua: On days when Kelsey doesn’t work, I’m the first one up. I devote time to myself to pray, meditate, and work out before the busy day begins. Then, it’s straight to checking emails, working on social media content, and checking the market.
Once Kelsey and our daughter wake up, I find ways to help them around the house before getting back to work at my desk
Kelsey: When I am off work, I’m not one to wake up early. I’m up 30 minutes before her and then get her ready with breakfast, if Josh hasn’t already made some.
We eat and then play around for a bit before some activities we have planned throughout the day, like going to the library for a few hours or gymnastics on certain days. After that, she naps when she gets home, and I try to get some chores done around the house.
After the house is cleaned and she’s up, we’ll play until dinner or watch an episode or two of Bluey. We try to limit her screen time as much as we can. After dinner, it’s lights out before 9 p.m.
We both need to work
Kelsey: Being a stay-at-home mom or dad wasn’t an option for us.
I was on maternity leave for three months and loved being home with her, but I needed to fill the void. I get a lot of fulfillment from taking care of my patients and working with families, and I’ve bonded with many patients and coworkers.
My work is different every day, and it keeps me on my toes. I worked too hard for my degree to just be a stay-at-home mom.
Also, financially, living off one income is difficult. My job provides stability since I know I’ll get a paycheck every two weeks. Josh has some months where he does really well, and other months may not be great, depending on the economy or housing market.
Joshua: Since the birth of our daughter, I’ve closed on a third of the houses as I did around the same time last year. I’ve taken fewer clients, so the quality of my work doesn’t suffer from stretching myself too thin managing childcare and work.
Childcare isn’t solely responsible for the reduction in business; the Dallas-Fort Worth housing market has also cooled. I’ve been taking advantage of this slowdown to invest in family time, community service, and finishing my psychology degree.
We’re both hands-on with raising our daughter
Kelsey: Growing up, both my parents worked full-time, and I was in day care by the time I was six weeks old because my mom was ready to go back to work. She handled much of the childcare, making dinner, and the normal housewife duties on top of her job.
I have a great relationship with my dad, but he was more passive in our household. But Josh has always been hands-on with our daughter.
Joshua: Fathers in old movies and media have often been depicted as cold, heartless providers, and while I wanted to be a provider, I wanted to do it with care and attention.
Until I was 10, my single mother took care of me. My dad and stepdad were still present and compassionate in my upbringing, and I wanted the same and more for my daughter.
I’ve noticed many peers in my generation and younger are intentional and involved with their offspring, with a love-forward approach.
We get burned out, but it’s worth it
Joshua: We get burned out from running back and forth with an energetic toddler and a full-time work schedule.
About every three weeks, I’ll have a day when I just can’t. I try to recharge and veg out as much as I can, and then devote the next 20 days to hustling.
Kelsey: I get burned out every couple of days. On the four days I’m not working, I take on the majority of the responsibility for our daughter, which can be tiring. Right now, she’s teething, and by the end of the week, I’ll be drained.
But we agree that waking up the next morning and seeing her laughing and smiling overshadows the fatigue, making everything worth it.
Joshua: Watching her wave at strangers, learn new skills, and develop her personality has been one of the most rewarding experiences for us as parents. She’s the happiest little baby.
Do you have a story to share about being a millennial dad or mom? Contact this reporter, Brian Delk, at bdelk@insider.com.
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