My son wanted Chipotle for dinner the other night, and I couldn’t afford it.
I didn’t want to say, “Sorry, but I don’t have the money” — again. So, this time, I said something different: “If you want Chipotle, we have to work for it.”
I explained to him that I’d have to make a few deliveries on the Uber Eats app to pay for our Chipotle. Thankfully, my 14-year-old was excited about the adventure and didn’t realize this isn’t how many moms feed their children.
But this is my norm because my paycheck as a freelancer and educator in Connecticut doesn’t quite last to the next one — especially while paying increasing rent and raising three kids. It’s becoming even more difficult now that the cost of living is rising.
It’s so damn defeating.
I feel like I’m failing as a mother
At 46, I thought I would have made it by now — whatever that means. I thought I would have some financial cushion, a liveable salary, or a husband to ease the financial burden. I have none of that. I’m ashamed I have zero credit cards, savings, or retirement plans.
Instead, all I have is worry. My money anxiety is stealing precious moments from under my nose. My kids come home from school with stories and smiles, and I nod, but I’m not really there. I’m in my head, where the wheels are turning, trying to figure out which bills to pay this month and which to put off, hoping that my bank will reverse that overdraft charge and praying that my landlord will accept the late rent again.
I wake up every day and strive not to let money (or lack thereof) define me, but every day I fail. I battle with thoughts of inadequacy and guilt and shame because I can’t provide for my kids in the ways I know they deserve.
We all deserve more. I need a root canal, and the tooth is starting to hurt, but my current health insurance won’t cover it, so I am just trying to deal with it until I get new insurance, stumble upon an extra $600, or have the damn tooth pulled altogether. My daughter needs a prom dress; my son has grown three inches and needs an entirely new wardrobe. Anyone who has kids knows that each day brings with it new, unexpected expenses: field trip fees, coaches’ gifts, and school projects that require things like a new white T-shirt, poster board, and markers.
Thankfully, the kids spend half the time with their father, who covers most of their expenses. But it leaves me feeling ashamed and guilty.
I envy other families who don’t have to deal with money issues
As I stroll up and down the grocery aisles, I add the items in my cart to be sure their sum total isn’t more than my bank balance. We’ve recently had to cut back significantly on groceries because of the rising prices.
I also look at the other moms and dads: Their overflowing carts, the smiles on their faces, and the Airpods in their ears tell me they probably aren’t calculating anything. It makes me frustrated and sad that we have to live like this while they don’t have these worries.
I try to convince myself that life isn’t about material things, like dinners at nice restaurants, new comfortable shoes, or grocery carts overflowing with luxury items like ice cream and shrimp.
Still, there is happiness, and I hold onto that
Recently, I overheard my son say to his sister: “Moms are magical, aren’t they?”
Moments like that make me believe I can do anything and get us through all of these difficulties.
I remind myself that we are blessed with a roof over our heads, food on the table, and health. These are the times when I know we are rich in important ways.
I also knew this on the Uber Eats deliveries with my son. To him, it was an adventure and an opportunity to earn something he desperately wanted. As it turns out, it was an opportunity for us to enjoy the things we do have that money truly can’t buy: laughter, health, and love.
We were broke but happy for those three Uber Eats deliveries — and we laughed the whole time. It just so happens that Chipotle tastes even better when it’s hard-earned.
Maybe my tomorrows are filled with a different story and the comfort of financial stability — or maybe my wealth comes in the form of health and love.
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