- When my kids were little, I never imagined we would bump heads.
- I quickly learned that parenting teenagers is hard.
- It took me years not to take what they said to me personally.
Parenting teenagers is not for the faint-hearted. When my kids were born, I had a picture in my mind of how they would turn into great and loving adults. I didn’t see us bumping heads at any point because my heart was full of all the great ways I could nurture them.
However, years went by, and my two daughters are no longer the little kids they once were. They are opinionated adults who are fighting for independence, and no one denies them.
Their teenage years were particularly memorable, especially because it was hard to prepare for the onslaught of emotions that came out of nowhere.
Parenting teenagers is hard
Any parent of a teenager knows the pain of being rejected and pushed away by their child. But these were not the biggest challenges I went through.
The one thing that gets to my soul is this: As my children hit their teens, they were so busy with their schoolwork and friends that I hardly saw them for days. When we connected, it would only be because I cornered them down.
For a few moments, we would talk about their days and their challenges, and they would entertain my advice. But these phases were short-lived and overshadowed by screaming and yelling because they didn’t like their curfew, new house rules, or the fact that they had to do a few chores.
Of course, these things led to misunderstandings, which led the kids to say things like “I hate you,” “You’re the worst dad ever,” and “I never want to talk to you again.” They often wondered why I couldn’t be as “cool as the other dads.”
These words cut to the core, and I remember never feeling appreciated for my efforts as a father. It always seemed like my teenagers had a pattern; if they were belligerent, something was going on with their friends, and I let them get away with a little bit more.
If they were obedient, I knew they were guilty of something, and I would tighten the reins. The constant “catch me if you can” game made parenting feel personal. I had many moments of self-doubt when I wondered whether I was really doing a good job.
My wife and I would constantly remind each other that we were indeed doing our best, especially when we wanted to connect with the kids, but they built walls we couldn’t reach.
One painful memory comes to mind, when my daughters required being dropped off a block away from school. They made it clear that they did not want anyone seeing their dad because I embarrassed them.
It was especially disappointing because I cherished the drive to school. I thought it was one of the best ways to connect, but they didn’t see it that way.
I had to learn not to take things personally
It took me years to stop taking what my kids say personally. Some comments cut to the core, but parenting brings the good with the challenging, and it took a lot of inner work to choose to forget them.
Adolescents want things on their terms; that’s the nature of their interactions. I would approach situations with this fact in mind.
I found it better to leave them alone when they were not in a delightful mood to talk or answer questions. There’s no point in having meaningless conversations. Giving them space encourages them to eventually come to you.
Often, when my teenagers told me they were adults, I affirmed it and said they could do whatever they wanted when they were living independently, but under my house, they would have to follow our rules.
The most important lesson I’ve learned is patience. Being patient with your teenagers means understanding their temper tantrums and mood swings. It’s also about reassuring them through their entire journey.
As growing adults, my children apologize for things they said out of anger. Maybe they are starting to slowly get the concept of time and how it passes by quickly for all of us or gain an appreciation for their parents. My love for them has never faltered despite all the trying times.
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