Dear For Love & Money,
My friend recently got divorced after 21 years of marriage. Her husband managed all the finances and earned a professional salary, while she either stayed home with the kids or worked a low-paying administrative job.
She is almost willfully ignorant about money. She’ll say things like, “I don’t do math!” or “I don’t even know how to read my paystub!” She’s an emotional spender and shops online almost daily.
I’ve offered to help her create a budget and discuss finances, but she brushes off my suggestions. She’s receiving alimony and child support now, but she’s going to be in real trouble once this runs out in a few years.
I know she doesn’t have anyone else to talk to about finances, and I feel like I am watching a financial train wreck in slow motion. What can I do to help my friend who doesn’t seem to want help?
Sincerely,
Trying to help
Dear Trying,
The turmoil you feel over your friend’s financial situation shows how much you care about her. Feeling compelled to help someone you care deeply about is the most natural thing in the world, and an essential part of friendship. However, I want to say right from the start that while you can offer resources and find creative ways to support sound financial decision-making, you can’t force your friend to accept your help, nor can you force her to change.
And that seemingly willful ignorance you’re picking up on leads me to believe that Carol would prefer you didn’t try. I believe this because I recognize it in myself; I have two older sisters, which means I’ve spent my whole life perfecting the art of avoiding unsolicited advice. Many therapists break the process of individual change into five stages:
- Pre-contemplative. At this stage, we don’t recognize the need for change.
- Contemplative, when we start to realize something’s got to give.
- Preparation, when we begin to take steps to enact small changes.
- Action. We actually actively implement the behavioral change.
- Maintenance, when we try to make that change permanent.
An essential part of this model is recognizing that you can’t move someone through these steps; they must do it themselves. You can encourage and support, but any real pressure on your part will only be met with resistance, which can set her back further than she started.
For instance, when I’m in the contemplation stage, aware I need to make a change and beginning to think seriously about working on it, if my older sister agrees a little too much and tries to involve herself, my defensive instinct is to justify my choices. This kicks me right back to thinking I don’t need to change anything at all.
Sometimes, my sister knows better, so she instead asks smart questions to trick me into saying it myself. Knowing what she’s up to, my response is to say something flippant and, yes, willfully ignorant like, “You know me. I don’t do math!” I usually frame it like it’s an adorable part of my identity because if it’s part of who I am, then my sister knows better than to attack me as a person.
I’m annoyed with myself even just describing this behavior to you, but most of us have our own ways of passively telling other people to back off. Because individual change simply doesn’t happen on other people’s timelines.
So, yes, you can tell your friend about your favorite financial guru, buy her books on getting her finances in order after divorce, and set her up with an appointment with a financial advisor. However, my guess is that all this will accomplish for you is pushing her out of your life.
This doesn’t mean you should sit idly by and watch her self-destruct. Your best bet for helping her along her journey is by setting a good example, so that she might feel open to asking you for help. Discuss your retirement preparations with her, being open about how much you save and how much you spend each month, and why. Only agree to budget-conscious friend activities with her, and be vocal about not wanting to overspend on shopping or drinks. Look for a financial literacy seminar happening in your area, sign up, and invite her to join you. If you’re open, positive, and practical in your attitude towards money, when she begins feeling the pinch, there’s a good chance she’ll turn to you for advice.
But maybe she won’t. Perhaps she’s too intimidated by finances to even try. At some point, she could even end up in a position where good advice won’t cover it, and what she needs is money. As you continue being a loyal friend to Carol, take some time to contemplate how you would respond if she did ask you for a loan. If you determine your boundaries before she pushes them, you can be assured that your answer will reflect your values.
Finally, one of the best ways you can help your friend is by trusting her. After all, she’s an adult. She might say silly things like “I don’t even know how to read my paystub,” but she’s run a household and worked in admin; she is very likely more capable than she lets on. If you show her you believe in her, she’s that much more likely to believe in herself and make the changes she feels she needs.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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