Dear For Love & Money,
In the past couple of years, I’ve gone through some rough patches with my health, work, and housing. After being displaced from my apartment due to a fire, my daughter allowed me to move in with her and my 5-year-old grandson. I watched my grandson after school the entire 2023-2024 academic year.
In the summer of 2024, my daughter told me she was moving into an apartment and wanted to sell her house. She knew I’d applied for Social Security disability benefits, but wouldn’t allow me to live in her house while waiting to get approved. I became homeless for six months, during which time she never contacted me.
At the end of 2024, I was approved for my disability benefits, and my daughter said I could rent her house for $800 a month. Am I wrong for renting her house?
Sincerely,
Abandoned Parent
Dear Abandoned,
I want to start by answering your question about whether you’re wrong for renting from your daughter. Simply put, no.
Accepting your daughter’s generosity and renting from her isn’t wrong. A little relational compromise is better than sleeping in your car. But it’s clear that your question goes beyond the logistical issue of renting from your daughter and gets at deeper interpersonal tensions that may have started long before she kicked you out.
I don’t know your daughter, and I don’t know why she made the decisions she did. From the tone of your letter, it seems that the part that stung the most for you wasn’t her decision to only allow you to live with her as long as you could contribute something, but her silence in the interim. The only way to clear things up between the two of you is to talk to her about it.
On the surface, your daughter kicking you out while you waited for your Social Security to come through looks heartless, but I’d encourage you to look deeper. Focus less on how her choice impacted you, and more on what motivated that choice. A daughter who gave you a place to stay when you had nowhere else to go and is now renewing that offer isn’t heartless. Perhaps there’s something else going on.
She may have been experiencing shame or embarrassment that her circumstances forced her to make such a hard choice. Maybe you inadvertently did something to upset her, and she needed those six months to process and move forward. Perhaps she was dealing with personal issues such as a custody battle, financial troubles, or a bad relationship, and because she recognized how much you were struggling, she didn’t want to burden you with it. Maybe she holds deep-seated feelings of hurt or anger from your past interactions or how you raised her, which she’s still struggling with.
This is all wild speculation on my part since I have no idea why your daughter let you be homeless for six months without speaking to you, but it doesn’t seem like you do either, and the only way to find out is by having an open and vulnerable conversation with her, without being defensive.
If you confront her with accusations of abandonment and all the ways she hurt you, you are unlikely to get clarity or comfort. Instead, get curious about what is going on in her life, and ask her how you can help.
There is an order we often expect from life: caring for our kids for 18 years, enjoying the next few decades as friends and equals, and then, as age and circumstance take away our independence, being cared for by our children. There is nothing wrong with this script; in fact, the mutual care and loving service it outlines is beautiful. But as you reach the chapter where your child takes care of you, it’s important to remember that they will always be your child, and you will always be their parent.
When our lives become as tumultuous and stressful as it sounds like yours has been, it’s natural that we turn our energy inward and focus solely on our survival. For the people in our lives who rely on us, however, this can feel like abandonment. Ensuring they don’t feel this way requires us to stay attuned to their lives, even as we struggle with our own.
Your daughter may be standing on her own two feet just fine, but having her parent care enough to check in and offer their support in whatever way they can will always have the same impact as a warm hug. Watching your grandson after school was an excellent way you did this. Offer to renew this care while you pay rent, not as a barter with your daughter, but as a way to demonstrate that she can always count on your love.
Try not to assume the worst of your daughter. Try not to assume anything at all. Instead, focus on what she needs from you and the health of your relationship.
Whether your daughter eventually decides to sell the house and leave you on your own again or not, you can still maintain your relationship with her. By remembering that’s the most important thing, you can ensure that no matter what life throws at either of you, you’ll always have one another to carry you through.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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