- Marianna Sachse, 45, is an American who gave birth to her second child in the Netherlands.
- She noticed that strangers would intervene to give her advice or help watch her kids.
- Overall, she liked that the culture was more focused on collectively raising kids.
One of my first enduring memories of the Netherlands was a stranger asking to cradle my baby.
Months after my family relocated from Philadelphia to Maastricht, a small Dutch city, we went out to eat. I was six weeks postpartum after having my second child. My husband, six-year-old son, newborn, and I shared a communal table with an older couple, who had finished their meals.
The woman chatted with her husband, then turned to us. Would we like for them to hold our baby so we could take a break?
At first, I thought it was odd. Raising my first infant in the US, I never encountered someone I’d never met before offering to help like this. Still, I wanted to lean into a new culture. It was remembering my own mother, who loved kids and died a few years prior. I thought, “This woman seems just like her.” I inherently trusted this woman I’d never met before.
I gave her my baby. “I’ll hand him back when he gets fussy,” she said. My husband and I ate in a moment of peace, with our son staring up at this stranger lovingly holding his brother.
In the four years we lived in the Netherlands, we learned that this is more of a parenting norm than a random act of kindness. I regularly witnessed adults intervening to help parents out, whether by watching their kids or giving tips.
Now, living in Washington, DC, I miss this part of Dutch culture. It helped me become a happier and more relaxed parent, and my kids become more independent.
Raising kids is a collective effort
When my husband was recruited to work in a Dutch firm in 2016, I was nervous about relocating while I was pregnant. My doctor reassured me: I couldn’t pick a better country for childbirth, he said.
I learned he was right. The Netherlands is famous for its “kraamzorg” or doula system, where parents can buy doula packages before, during, or after giving birth. For our home birth and eight days of very involved, in-home postpartum care, we paid under $2,000.
Doulas in the Netherlands not only care for the baby but also the mother, looking out for medical complications and offering guidance for first-time parents. They also find small ways to make parents more comfortable. Ours also vacuumed our house, walked our dog, and took the baby so I could shower. To me, the lack of privacy was worth getting so much support.
I quickly saw that this community-centered attitude toward childcare extends beyond childbirth. I regularly witnessed other parents jumping in to supervise kids on the playground or play with them.
Sometimes, they would chime in to give me advice. When I rode bikes with my older son, I learned that the Dutch consider it safest to stay next to your child, not behind them, as I initially did. A stranger taught me that I should ride with one hand on my child to teach them how to stay in the bike lane properly.
As a parent in the Netherlands, it’s normal to accept help — even in the form of mild critique.
Fewer screens in restaurants
Another striking difference I noticed in the Netherlands is how kids seemed to be truly seen as members of society — and were accommodated as such.
Almost every restaurant we went to, including upscale ones with white tablecloths, had a designated corner for kids to play in. It can include toys or coloring books, and sometimes adults even volunteer to play with the kids. It’s easy for parents to watch their children from afar while also unwinding at dinner.
Everywhere we went understood that kids have lots of energy and can’t sit at a table or in a high chair for that long. Striking this compromise helped us, and other parents, bring our kids to public spaces without feeling overwhelmed by tantrums. Back in the US, I’d tag-team with friends to take turns walking our kids outside when they inevitably needed to move. It was manageable, but not exactly relaxing.
Other American parents mitigate meltdowns by giving their kids tablets or phones. In the Netherlands, I saw fewer screens at restaurants because parents had other means to keep their kids happy. It was nice to go out and know that if our kids got tired of sitting with the adults, they could go color and play with other kids instead of watching YouTube.
Parents can relax more
Because raising kids is seen as a community effort, there were times when parents would discipline strangers’ kids if they witnessed them being mean to another child or behaving poorly in public. The Dutch will call your kid out if they’re being rude or unkind toward others. They might also correct you as a parent.
I loved it. As an American, there have been times when I’ve wondered where a kid’s parent is or why they’re hitting other children. I would be terrified to say something in the US. It’s just not a norm, and I feel like I could put my safety at risk by interjecting.
In the US, our self-sufficiency gives us the freedom to make our own decisions, whether we choose gentle parenting or homeschooling. It also comes with downsides.
In our small Dutch city, I was laid back when my seven-year-old son walked home alone from school because I knew that if he was in an unsafe situation, an adult would help. In the US, it’s not uncommon for parents to be nervous about their 12-year-olds hanging out in the neighborhood by themselves. There’s a lot less trust, and with that, kids are less independent.
We eventually moved back to the US to be closer to family. During my time in the Netherlands, I learned a great parenting lesson: when we’re willing to let others into our parenting space, everybody wins.
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