My brother has always been a closed book about his relationships, so when he brought a girl home, it was a big deal. And when they got engaged a few years later, it was a really big deal.
I was thrilled, and his fiancée was sweet enough to include me and two of my cousins in her wedding party. In the beginning, I wanted to be as involved as I could despite living 2,000 miles away.
I flew from Denver to Boston for their wedding shower, which cost me over $600, not including the gift I brought. It was a lot, but I was happy I was able to do it.
However, this was my first time being a bridesmaid, and I was naive about how expensive it could get.
I wanted to celebrate my future sister-in-law, but her dream trip was far out of my budget
For her bachelorette, the bride wanted a spa-type weekend in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, a famously luxurious destination.
Her maid of honor (who was about nine months pregnant and conveniently unable to attend) was in charge of planning the trip, so she added myself and eight others to a group chat.
She told us the hotel would be $600 a person for two nights — and that was if four girls shared a room with two double beds.
Then, I checked flight prices and realized it’d cost me over $500 to fly from Denver to Jackson and back. Driving might’ve been cheaper, but a 16-hour solo road trip in my unreliable 2009 Prius wasn’t an option.
As I panicked about the $1,100 cost for flight and hotels alone, more texts started coming in. Some girls talked about booking $200 massages and suggested planning meals at high-end restaurants or even staying at different, pricier hotels.
Much to my surprise, most of the group seemed ready to drop a fortune on this trip.
Maybe they were in a better financial position than me, a freelancer with limited disposable income who still had to budget for cross-country plane tickets to fly in for the wedding itself.
Turning down the invite was difficult even though I felt my reason for doing so was justified
My cousins (who were also nervous about the cost) and I tried to suggested more affordable alternatives, but the bride wanted a Jackson Hole bachelorette weekend.
I didn’t want to be a wet blanket, but I knew I had to opt out of the trip. I spent the next week anxiously consulting with my partner, mom, and cousins about the best way to do it.
Just before I conjured the courage to send a text, someone else in the group chat backed out. And then another girl did. Then, one of my cousins did. I followed suit so I wouldn’t be the last.
When all was texted and done, my sister-in-law wound up on a two-person bachelorette party, just her and her cousin.
Turns out, this trip was out of reach for more of the group than I’d thought. Maybe the cost had finally sunken in or everyone was also nervous about being the first one to tap out.
I made it clear I couldn’t go due to financial constraints and the bride was gracious about the situation, but my brother was still mad I’d bailed.
Looking back, I think it’s pretty unfair I was expected to pay over $1,000 for a bachelorette trip in the first place.
After all, my brother and I talk about money and our financial situations openly. He and his then-fiancée have a robust dual income, and know I don’t — if they wanted me on the trip so desperately, they should’ve just paid for me to go.
The wedding still cost me a lot — and I plan to do things differently now that I’m engaged
Unfortunately, leading up to the wedding, I had to send several other awkward, “Sorry, I just don’t have the money for that” texts.
Even then, I still spent over $2,000 being a bridesmaid between my dress and alterations, professional hair and makeup (which I’d thought the couple usually paid for), a manicure, flights, and a dog sitter,
The wedding was a blast, and I love my brother and sister-in-law so much, but I plan to do things differently now that I’m engaged.
My friends and family are scattered across all corners of the country, so I don’t plan on asking people to make multiple trips for pre-wedding events.
If I have a bachelorette party at all, I’ll keep my bridesmaids’ budgets in mind by having it a couple of days before the wedding in a place not too far from the venue.
After all, I want my marriage and the events leading up to it to be a celebration, not a financial burden — and I think that should be the goal for all modern couples.
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