Dear For Love & Money,
I care for my grandkids three to four days a week, and I’m tired of leaving my apartment at 5 a.m. to go to my daughter’s home to care for the kids. I rent a small apartment at a senior living building, but I’m not happy there. I feel it would be best for me to move in with my daughter and her family, making it more convenient for all of us.
I do not get paid for caring for my grandchildren, and I would pay my daughter rent. Should I ask my daughter to move in with her family to save money and help her care for my grandkids?
Sincerely,
Tired Grandmother
Dear Tired Grandmother,
As the saying goes, it doesn’t hurt to ask. I know it’s not quite as simple as that, though. My kids are quite a bit younger than your daughter, but I already struggle to imagine a future when the roles are reversed and I have to ask them for, well, anything. I’d imagine the whole thing feels awkward and complicated for you.
From your description, your request isn’t just reasonable — it’s a good idea. You’re helping your daughter’s family out with something as valuable as frequent and reliable free childcare, and this arrangement would help you out — and give you more time with your loved ones. However, asking someone to let you live in their house, inevitably shaking up their routines and family structures, is something they will likely need time to discuss and think through. Their answer might turn out to be no, which is also fair.
I’m sure it’s daunting to set yourself up for a potential “no”, but if you don’t ask, you won’t get a “yes” either. Instead, you’ll stay holed up in your small apartment, unhappy and only escaping when it’s time to schlep over to your daughter’s house at the crack of dawn a few times a week to babysit your grandkids.
At some point, you may start wondering why your daughter doesn’t recognize your sacrifice — your early mornings, your free childcare, driving back and forth, even as you grow older and more tired. You might start making comments, hoping she’ll hear the exhaustion and unhappiness lying in the subtext. When she doesn’t, resentment may start to creep in.
All the while, she might think you’re living your best life with your peers in your senior living complex, and that it’d be presumptuous to ask you to live with her because you might feel it carries an unfair expectation that you offer round-the-clock babysitting. She might notice your comments and wonder why you suddenly seem bitter about caring for your grandkids, when that’s not at all how you feel. The only way either of you will know what the other wants is if you ask her.
How you make your request will go a long way in keeping things from getting messy, no matter how your daughter responds. Assure her that you’ll understand and respect her answer, regardless of its content.
To honestly commit to this, you need to first establish boundaries based on robust self-awareness. Ask yourself, if she were to tell you no, how would you feel about waking up at 4:30 a.m. to be on your way to her place by 5? Faced with the harsh reality that your daughter wants your living situation and contribution to her life to remain exactly the same, how would you feel when she asks for help on a random date night after you’ve already given her four early mornings that week?
Conversely, if she says yes, how will you feel if your constant presence at home and nonexistent commute lead to her feeling more comfortable with seeing you as a default backup, all the time? If she expects you to cancel your Friday night plans with friends because her happy hour turned into an impromptu evening out?
To avoid resentment or miscommunication down the line, set expectations around your time that reflect your devotion to your family, as well as your own needs. This could look like giving your daughter a limited number of times you can commit to babysitting a week, establishing hours you’re open to babysitting, or requesting a specific amount of notice. It could be as simple as letting her know that she should always ask rather than assume you’re free to help.
You mentioned paying your daughter rent, but she may or may not feel comfortable accepting your money. Another option would be to offer her ways you’d be happy to help out around the house, to offset the additional work that will inevitably be brought on by adding another member to the household. This could look like helping out with chores or buying groceries.
Once you’ve figured out for yourself what you’d be comfortable with, talk to your daughter openly and honestly about why you’d like to move in and communicate the boundaries you think would help make for a smooth transition. Hear her out on any concerns she may have and give her time to think it over and speak with her family. But because you’ve been honest, without harboring resentment, you can feel confident that you’ll be able to respect her response. If she says yes, you won’t feel taken advantage of down the line; if she says no, you won’t resent her for it. You will be on the same page regarding your expectations, abilities, and your relationship to one another.
I wonder if it’s this last part — your relationship — that makes you hesitant to ask if you can live with her and her family. It’s easy to mistake such practical solutions as exploitative because they aren’t wrapped in yards of emotional excess. But know this: it’s only a practical solution because of your mutual adoration. If you weren’t an incredibly generous and loving mother, moving in with your daughter wouldn’t make any sense for you. If your daughter weren’t a good, caring daughter, my guess is, you wouldn’t want to live with her in the first place.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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