- Leaving my daughter behind whenever I wanted to work out made me feel guilty.
- I changed my thinking and started focusing on the positives for my daughter and me.
- This new mindset has helped my daughter become more independent, and I’m stronger.
It became a habit. I had to leave for my run club at about the same time my daughter would wake up in the morning. She was only 6 months old, and I couldn’t resist the desire to hold her. That would lead to me being late or missing the run altogether. Once she was in my arms, she was not going to let me put her down. And frankly, I didn’t want to put her down.
It was getting unhealthy. At six months, I was still recovering from childbirth and needed that time to get myself stronger again. Because I worked from home, I spent all my time with my daughter. Adult time was scarce. That much Ms. Rachel would drive anyone batty.
Even as I hugged my daughter tighter, I knew something had to change. I had to let go of all that mom guilt, even if I didn’t want to.
I made exercise dates with friends
I decided to pile guilt on top of guilt. I asked friends to meet me for runs or other exercise dates. For whatever reason, possibly disappointing a friend was a bigger sin to me than leaving my daughter behind.
I even told my running club exactly when to expect me. Let me tell you, run club members will let you hear it if you don’t show up when you say you will.
Making promises to people in my life helped me get into a routine that I could stick with while my daughter stayed warm and cozy at home with her dad.
I tied the exercise to being there for my daughter — for longer
I’m an older mom, but I’m also a very involved mom. I want to be there for all of my daughter’s highlights, from graduating from high school to finding her life’s path. The idea of cheering her on through everything delights me to no end.
That’s not going to happen if I sit on my butt every day.
So when the guilt feels extra rough, I remind myself that I’m doing this so I can be there for her later on. No, there’s no guarantee, but at least it’s more likely.
There are serious benefits for my daughter
When my daughter was 18 months old, and I felt like she was in a good place with her potty training, I took her to Child Watch at my gym. It made me want to throw up, but I did it anyway. When I came back, the person in charge gave me a good talking to about potty training an 18-month-old, and I looked down to see my daughter had peed herself. I swore I’d never leave her at Child Watch again.
I left her at home with my partner, but as his work schedule became more unwieldy, that was no longer an option. If I wanted to work out, I needed to try Child Watch again.
So I walked into the room with her. Immediately, a little girl came and grabbed her hand to play with her. Although there were some tears (from me), I got my workout in and came back to pick up a seriously happy little girl.
And it’s been the same ever since. She’s made friends who are excited to see her, and she’s excited to see them. Sometimes, I will walk in after my workout, and she’s enthusiastically leading a pack of 8-year-olds in a fight against zombies. Sometimes, I will walk in to see her reading quietly in the corner. I never know what I’m going to get, but I know she’s being perfectly herself without me. That’s going to come in handy when she starts preschool in August.
I’m getting back to who I am
While she’s being perfectly herself, I’m trying to be a better version of myself, too. I’m lifting heavier. I’m running more consistently.
But most importantly, I’m proud of myself. I’m now stronger physically and emotionally. I’m a much better mom to my daughter now.
It’s strange but the more I embrace being who I am outside being a mom, the better I am at being a mom.
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